I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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