And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
