**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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