Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
