I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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