Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
