Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
