If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
