that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
