My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
