I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
is that a dick in a sweater?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
