Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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