a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I wish you could order shots online.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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