either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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