I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
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