I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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