Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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