It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
