you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
