I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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