a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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