By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
