Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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