My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
