my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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