sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
