So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
