well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
