i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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