I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize