the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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