im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
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