This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
