I accidentally had phone sex last night
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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