STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
