did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
