I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
