I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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