The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
