Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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