dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
