Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
