i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
