Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
