i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
