My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
