Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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