Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
