The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
