I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
