You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
