8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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