Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
third nipple confirmed
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Randomize
