Umm I'm too high to move.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
