No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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