he wants to bone in the snuggie
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
