i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Who wears a wallet chain?!
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
