So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
