Who wears a wallet chain?!
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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