Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Panties = found
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
