Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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