Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
