If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
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