were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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