We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize